Contact details
Buxton Road ,
Eastbourne,
BN20 7LF

07752 211 933

Relationships

Also See Marriage Problem Page.

Because everyone is unique, Counselling4you will look at your individual problem in a different light and evaluate the pros and cons in an effort to find a balance and the best way forward. We offer a wealth of experience in relationship counselling, we will always be impartial, objective and  try to find compromise where ever possible. Depending on your problems we may both first see you as a couple and then possibly split the counselling or continue to see you as a couple. We will discuss all the of the options with you in order to find out which one suits you both.

When is The Right Time?

As counsellors we rarely hear the complaint "It's too early for our relationship!" More often, what we hear is: "We have tried everything and counselling is our last resort."

Far too many couples leave counselling until it is too late. By the time of their first appointment, years of bitterness and resentment have built up and the fear of being hurt severely affects the chance for change.

If you are experiencing any of the following, now is the time to consider counselling:

  • When you talk to your partner, it feels as though you are hitting a brick wall.
  • Your conversations just go round and round in never-ending circles.
  • After you have talked, you feel frustrated and confused.
  • You cannot talk for more than a few minutes without it turning into a shouting match.
  • You are afraid that if you bring up a certain subject, things will get even worse.
  • There is nothing left to say.

Together or Alone?

Ideally, it would be helpful to go to counselling together, it is hard to build a team if only half the players are there. Often, if one person makes the decision to give counselling a try, the partner will decide to go too.

If your partner flatly refuses to join you, there are lots of things counselling can help you with on your own. There may be changes you can make alone that will have a positive impact on your relationship. Some people also prefer to have counselling on their own at first to work out their feelings before seeing another counsellor as a couple.

What Will Happen?

All counsellors have their own styles and ways of working. You can choose to see us face-to-face or speak via telephone or email. We also offer creative methods and therapeutic exercises in addition to talking and will help you to work through the following three steps:

  1. Exploring your story - the nature of the problems and what impact they are having on you and your relationship. The history of how the problems arose and what changes you would like to see.
  2. Understanding your story, why you are struggling with these problems and the things that may be preventing you from overcoming them.
  3. Rewriting your story, finding the strengths and resources to resolve your difficulties, or at least make them more bearable. 

How Does Counselling Work?

First and foremost, counselling works by giving you the chance to be heard. We will give you all the time you need to talk, sob, put your differing opinions over, or just think. We will always encourage you to be sensitive to each other's feelings and take timeout should emotions become too overwhelming. It is an opportunity to look at the problem in a different way with someone who will respect and encourage your opinions and decisions. Remember," Everyone has their own truth".

For many couples, the solution is right under their noses, it just takes someone objective to see what it is. It is like the saying "You cannot see the wood for the trees" - we are trained wood-spotters!

Counselling is effective, it is an industry that is rapidly growing as more and more people discover the benefits for themselves. If you have not considered relationship counselling before, please do not leave it until it is too late. The cost off counselling is minimal to the cost of a failed relationship.

The Three Outcomes of Couple's Counselling

  • Lump it - for some reason change is not possible, but you decide there is enough good stuff worth staying together for.
  • Leave it - you or your partner cannot or will not change and you decide to split up.
  • Change it - you decide to alter the situation and work together at making your relationship better.

History of Relationship

We are conceived in relationship, born in relationship and raised in relationship. It is in relationship that our needs are met, or not. It is relationship that we get hurt and it is in relationship that we must be healed. As social animals, this is our nature.

Although it is often necessary to seek solitude as an aspect of healing, it is never in solitude that we can be fully healed. We must always come back to relationship to be whole.

As dependent infants, the fulfilment of our needs must be delivered to us by our parents or primary care givers. If this relationship is flawed, (not good enough) it may create patterns and templates that repeat into adulthood in an attempt to fulfil the needs that were not met. Children with emotionally distant parents will often repeat that pattern by finding themselves attracted to emotionally distant partners. Though they are not able to get what they need from these substitutes, there is something compelling about these distant people, something very familiar. The child never had their parents, but the pattern they did have was the struggle.

For better or for worse, our childhood patterns are imprinted into our brains and bodies and those patterns continue into our adult relationships in the form of unconscious behaviours. We are unaware that many of the ways we act are due to the triggering of old imprints by present situations.

If we grew up in the emptiness of a life with a distant parent, our imprints may project themselves as the unconscious expectation that others will be this way. We may react to this projection by attempting to change or fix the partner/parent and finally get the intimacy our bodies long for. We are basically transferring our childhood needs onto others with the expectation of those people meeting these needs.

If both parties are unaware of these dynamics it is no wonder that relationships are often a disaster. When our "stuff" gets triggered by our partners behaviour we can "act out" (express it), or "act in" (hold it within our bodies). Both of these options can create problems if not dealt with in a safe and constructive way. On the other hand if both parties are aware that much of their behaviour is driven by earlier roots the relationship can begin to move forward and mend.

To heal these old wounds we must take responsibility for the fact that they do not originate in us but that, as imprints they do reside in us now. To heal, we must own our feelings, admit that they are ours and work with them.

Recognising that both parties invariably bring some of their old stuff into every conflict is essential.

It always takes two to tango, having the awareness of unresolved needs and pain allows genuine compassion to arise both in ourselves as well as others. We understand better why we do the things we do. If we can see and feel the innocent and hurting child within us we can longer wage war with ourselves and others.