Contact details
Buxton Road ,
Eastbourne,
BN20 7LF

07752 211 933

Marriage Problems

Also see our Relationship page.

 

Most of us need help facing difficult issues in our marriage (also see relationship page) at some point, and get it either from a friend, co-worker, other family member etc. With minor problems this help can be very beneficial, but with larger issues this help can confuse the problems ever further. Most people will try to offer genuine help, but however well meant there will generally be a bias one way or the other, on advice based from their own experiences giving thoughts about what they would or wouldn't do.

Because everyone is unique, counselling4you will look at your individual problem in a different light and evaluate the pros and cons in an effort to find a balance and the best forward. At counselling4you we offer a wealth of experience in marriage counselling in an impartial way, it will always be objective and always try to find compromise. Depending on your problems we may both first see you as a couple and then possibly split the counselling or continue to see you as a couple. We will discuss all of the options with you in order to find out which one suits you both.

 

Some Root Causes of Marriage Difficulties Might Be;

  • Lack of direction

  • Financial pressures

  • Extended family interference

  • Lack of understanding

  • No shared interests

  • Boredom

  • Staleness in the relationship

  • Business issues

  • Difference over children

  • No communication

  • No fun!

 

There are far too many issues in a complex relationship such as a marriage/ co-habiting to go into on our web site, here are some essential things which may help you uncover a better or more constructive way forward.

 

  1. Accept that change happens.  Neither time nor people stand still.  If you want something to change, then change something.  If your relationship is flagging, you have to do something to renew it.

  2. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.  If you really have fallen out of love with someone, tell them. Do not prolong the agony or raise expectations falsely. Talk about the tough stuff.  Facing up to sensitive problems is half the challenge – you can then talk and deal with them.

  3. Play together, stay together. Set aside some fun, quality time for yourselves together. Make sure your marriage is your most important project, not mundane tasks like DIY. 

  4. Only the two of you really understand your relationship. The support of other people can be helpful but try not to be consumed by their opinions, advice and suggestions. 

  5. Continue the courtship. Try to remember the reasons you were attracted to each other in the first place. 

  6. Have a shared goal to work towards.  Focus on what you can achieve as a team rather than as individuals, it reminds you of the power of togetherness.

  7. Negotiate the money minefield.  If you are able to agree a reasonable approach to money, it can save a lot of underlying tension within the relationship.

  8. Let go of resentment.  It is easier said than done, but it is absolutely crucial to find a way of moving on from issues that have affected your past.

  9. Argue well.  Arguments are part of every relationship so turn them into a positive lesson in communication.  Agree to disagree and realise there does not need to be a ‘winner’ at the end of every discussion.

 

Working Through Marriage Problems

Illness, infidelity, sex, anger, communication problems, all can contribute to distress in marriages or other relationships. Marriage counselling or couples counselling can help resolve conflicts and heal wounds.

Your spouse comes home from work, makes a beeline for the drinks cabinet and then sulks off silently. You have not had a real conversation for weeks. A few arguments over money or late nights out, sure, but no heart-to-hearts. Sex? What is that?

Your marriage is on the rocks, and you both know it. But you are not sure how to fix things — or if you really want to. It may be time for marriage counselling which can help you rebuild your relationship and can help you understand your relationship better and make well-thought-out decisions.

What is Marriage Counselling?

Marriage counselling, also called couples therapy, helps couples, married or not, understand and resolve conflicts or improve their relationship.  It also gives couples the tools to better communicate, negotiate differences, problem-solve and even argue in a healthier way.

Marriage counselling can be short-term. You may need only a few sessions to help you weather a crisis. Or you may need marriage counselling for several months, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated. As with individual counselling, we would typically see you once a week.

Who Can Benefit From Marriage Counselling?

Most marriages and other relationships are not perfect. Each person brings his or her own "stuff", ideas, values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they do not always match the partner's. Those differences do not necessarily mean your relationship is bound to struggle. To the contrary, differences can be complementary, you know the saying about opposites attract. These differences can also help people understand, respect and accept opposing views and cultures.

But relationships can be tested. Differences or habits that you once found endearing may now grate on your nerves. Sometimes specific issues, such as an extramarital affair, trigger conflict in a relationship. Other times, there is a gradual disintegration of communication and caring.

No matter the cause, distress in a relationship can create undue stress, tension, sadness, worry, fear and other problems. You may hope your relationship troubles just go away on their own. But left to fester, a bad relationship may only worsen and eventually lead to physical or psychological problems, such as depression. A bad relationship also can create problems on the job and affect other family members, such as children, or your friendships as people feel compelled to take sides.

Marriage counselling can benefit you if you or your partner are dealing with any of these issues or situations that can cause stress in a relationship:

  1. Infidelity
  2. Divorce
  3. Substance abuse
  4. Physical or mental conditions
  5. Same-sex relationship issues
  6. Cultural clashes
  7. Finances
  8. Unemployment
  9. Blended families
  10. Communication problems
  11. Sexual difficulties
  12. Conflicts about child rearing
  13. Infertility
  14. Anger
  15. Changing roles, such as retirement 

Marriage counselling may also be of help in cases of domestic violence or abuse. However, if the abuse or violence has escalated to the point that you fear for your safety or your children's, consider contacting the police or a local shelter or crisis centre. Do not rely only on marriage counselling.

You do not need to have a troubled relationship to seek counselling. Marriage counselling can also help couples who simply want to strengthen their bonds and gain a better understanding of each other. It can help couples who plan to marry — ironing out differences before a union is sealed.

How Does Marriage Counselling Work?

Marriage counselling typically brings couples or partners together for joint therapy sessions. We help couples pinpoint and understand the source of their conflicts and try to resolve them. You and your partner will analyse both the good and bad parts of your relationship. We would not take sides in the disputes.

Marriage counselling may help you learn skills to solidify relationships, such as communicating openly, problem solving together and discussing differences rationally. In some cases, such as mental illness or substance abuse, we may work with your other health care professionals to provide a complete spectrum of treatment. As you go through you may learn to be more accepting and tolerant of differences.

Talking about your problems may not be easy. Sessions may pass in silence as you and your partner seethe over perceived wrongs. Or you may bring your fights with you, yelling and arguing during sessions. Both are OK. We can act as mediator or referee and help you cope with the emotions and turmoil.

You may find your relationship improving after just a few sessions. On the other hand, you may ultimately discover that your differences truly are irreconcilable and that it is best to end your relationship once every conceivable avenue is examined.

What if your partner refuses to attend counselling sessions? You can go on your own. It may be more challenging, of course, to patch up relationships when only one partner is willing to go to therapy. But you can still benefit by learning more about your reactions and behaviour in the relationship.

Come and share your concerns with Adrian Spencer and Marika Welstead who are trained in couples/marriage counselling, and can help you make a better relationship, and a better marriage.